Dear Diary: The sea of change is coming

We are now through the first few weeks of school and I've finally caught my breath.  We are in our routine of after-school play, dinner, pack lunches, practice piano, bath and bed.  We are (mostly) going to bed early, waking up on time, and having morning devotions with our breakfast.  I am exercising daily, keeping the house clean, and tackling those little projects.  And for the first time this week, I felt BORED.

Boredom.

That is not a feeling I have felt for at least the past 6 years...

It wasn't a feeling of being caught up.  If you live in a house with a family there is ALWAYS something you could be doing; you never actually can catch up.  It was a feeling that I had done everything I needed to do, and I had blank time to fill AND I didn't know what to do with that time.  This has not happened to me in forever.  It really, really threw me for a loop!  So much so that I started to panic.

What should I do with my time?  What do I want to do?  What do I even like to do?  Am I allowed to be asking that?

I know that I have sat with many, many women who ask the same questions.  Some, just after their kids go to school like me, and some much later in life once their kids have moved out and they finally look at their own personal life again with such unfamiliarity that they feel stuck.  I'm not there yet, but I can resonate.  Without even realizing it, so much of my life (the past 10 years for sure) has been built around my family.  Trying to have a family, frustrated with not having a family, reorienting our lives around our little family, raising two infants/toddlers/children, and settling our family into a new home/life.

While that "job" has not ended, I am so aware of the forward movement of life (I AM a planner, after all).  The monument of "all-day" school is a big one for our family.  I suddenly have my days free and my time available to me once again.  And as dreamy as it may be to sit and idle that time away, the "plan" is for me to look for work and fill up my time with my passion and skill.  So, with some hesitation, I have poured myself into that; searching for jobs, applying, updating my licensing.

I know I need to do it.  I want to do it.  However it all feels so rushed and fast and I don't completely feel ready; even though I'm sitting at home twiddling my thumbs not so sure what to do with myself.  It's a big change for our family.  It's a big change for me.

So please say a prayer for me.  Prayer that the right opportunity would open up.  Prayer that our family would ease through this transition.  Prayer that I would find joy and passion in my new work.  Prayer that I wouldn't be a puddle of tears as I leave a phase in life that I have loved, and move on to what is next.