Dear Diary: Emotions
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Dear Diary (09/13/18)
I know it's only been a month since we've begun to "settle" here, but my emotions have really taken me by surprise. I share this for anyone considering taking a leap of faith in their life, or going on an adventure, or even being thrust into a situation they don't feel prepared for.
I expected that with this move there would be the common emotions of excitement for the new, sadness for the past, and some apprehension about the unknown. I must have mentally prepared myself for those emotions and they were not shocking at all. What was shocking was the multitude of other emotions I did not anticipate.
I felt vulnerable. This was especially highlighted during our first few Sundays in the new church. YES, I felt loved and accepted and wanted, but I felt this sense of all eyes upon us. These people know (in theory) all about us, and we know nothing about them. Tied closely to this, I felt exposed by being a minority as a Caucasian in a group of immigrant and first generation Filipinos. In many ways, this is a new experience for me, though one that countless others around me have faced nearly daily. It was humbling.
I also felt humbled meeting so many people who have ventured on much bigger adventures than us, coming to Calgary from all walks of life to forge away for their families and their children. I have heard countless stories of faith in God, and a devotion that puts me to shame.
I felt an incredible sense of calm, as my family uprooted and replanted in a "land" (we can call Alberta a different land than the west coast Island, right?) we did not know. It wasn't that everything went smoothly (though mostly it did), but that at all the crucial moments, and even those times we shook our heads saying, "Have we made a huge mistake?" (Just KIDDING!), I was honestly able to check my heart and feel calm.
I felt insignificant. Without a job, without known friends, without being known... in coming to a place where my other family members are the main focus, fear tried to creep in: Who cares about me? Why am I here? What do I have to contribute? I know, I know there are answers to those questions, and that right now I AM called to support my family, but it surprised me how quickly the fear and distraction crept in. Who and what am I, when I am not known! (Deep, right?)
I felt bold. Despite the fears and insecurities, there is something about being in a new place with no hindrances and without being known that has stirred up a level of boldness. I have yet to see where this will lead, but it is something that has been in me in the past and I am excited to see again in action now.
All the emotions... many more to come, I am sure.
Dear Diary (09/13/18)
I know it's only been a month since we've begun to "settle" here, but my emotions have really taken me by surprise. I share this for anyone considering taking a leap of faith in their life, or going on an adventure, or even being thrust into a situation they don't feel prepared for.
I expected that with this move there would be the common emotions of excitement for the new, sadness for the past, and some apprehension about the unknown. I must have mentally prepared myself for those emotions and they were not shocking at all. What was shocking was the multitude of other emotions I did not anticipate.
I felt vulnerable. This was especially highlighted during our first few Sundays in the new church. YES, I felt loved and accepted and wanted, but I felt this sense of all eyes upon us. These people know (in theory) all about us, and we know nothing about them. Tied closely to this, I felt exposed by being a minority as a Caucasian in a group of immigrant and first generation Filipinos. In many ways, this is a new experience for me, though one that countless others around me have faced nearly daily. It was humbling.
I also felt humbled meeting so many people who have ventured on much bigger adventures than us, coming to Calgary from all walks of life to forge away for their families and their children. I have heard countless stories of faith in God, and a devotion that puts me to shame.
I felt an incredible sense of calm, as my family uprooted and replanted in a "land" (we can call Alberta a different land than the west coast Island, right?) we did not know. It wasn't that everything went smoothly (though mostly it did), but that at all the crucial moments, and even those times we shook our heads saying, "Have we made a huge mistake?" (Just KIDDING!), I was honestly able to check my heart and feel calm.
I felt insignificant. Without a job, without known friends, without being known... in coming to a place where my other family members are the main focus, fear tried to creep in: Who cares about me? Why am I here? What do I have to contribute? I know, I know there are answers to those questions, and that right now I AM called to support my family, but it surprised me how quickly the fear and distraction crept in. Who and what am I, when I am not known! (Deep, right?)
I felt bold. Despite the fears and insecurities, there is something about being in a new place with no hindrances and without being known that has stirred up a level of boldness. I have yet to see where this will lead, but it is something that has been in me in the past and I am excited to see again in action now.
All the emotions... many more to come, I am sure.
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